lost in affectation

2007-07-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

an end...

I think this blog has outlived it's usefulness. It's title is from a time in my life that has passed. I am no longer in need of affecting a personality to hide my true self. I have faced my demons and am no longer afraid.

I have done what had to be done and I am moving on with my life....unafraid, secure in myself and, for the first time since childhood, truly happy.

Don't know if I'll start a new one, never really paid that much attention to this one. Don't think I'm much of a blogger. To those of you who supported me, listened, put up with me....to those of you who are my friends, thank you.

so...Auf Wiedersehen

2007-04-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

coolness...

Last weekend I took a trip. I went to a city I had never before visited, to meet someone I had never seen. In retrospect, it may well have been the most wonderful weekend of my life.

Some time back, The Universe brought two people together via the internets. These two people had been many of the same places in their lives. Both had been married for many years, both had been on spiritual journeys that changed their lives. Both had been hurt deeply and wondered if they could (or would) ever again experience what they had lost.

Before long, it was obvious to both of us that fate had, indeed taken a hand. I was invited to come visit. On the flight up, my heart was in my throat. As I walked down the hall to her place, my hands were shaking. She was every bit as exited to see me. We went for breakfast and then a walk in her favorite woods. She showed me some things in this forest that were dear to her, and told me why.

We spent the weekend getting to know one another the way lovers do. By the time I left, it was plain that I would be returning - as soon as possible. We are in love. We love, want and need each other in ways we both had dreamed of for years. We are completely comfortable with one another; we trust one another fully.

The geography issue will work itself out; it has to. Don't know when or how, but it will. All I can be right now is grateful and happy.

2007-03-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

at last

in a place so serene i heard the news
at a time so unexpected i felt the change
a shattering of structures long in place
a release of dread and embrace of hope
recognition and resignation
poured out and filled
rest now in arms of gratitude
take and receive all that is offered
without expectation, without reservation
breathe in joy and tremble in knowing
myth made reality and pain made peace
it is
it is

2007-03-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Newness

Via a trusted friend, I have met someone. Someone with whom I seem to be spending virtually all of my spare time. Someone who makes me smile - a lot. Someone who smiles a lot when she's conversing with me; and laughs and shares and actually enjoys my company.

Though this relationship hardly qualifies as "internet dating," the internets are, so far, our primary means of communication. This has it's good points and bad. It's good in that we can learn a lot about each other from a "safe" distance. Bad in that, at this point, we've learned enough to actually want to meet in "meatspace." She has invited me to visit, but there is some geography involved and it will be some weeks before this happens.

Her sincerity is refreshing, her interest in me genuine. This is new; and nice. I've had a couple of less than enjoyable experiences with insincerity, indifference and outright dishonesty of late, so this "relationship" is so far most welcome and appreciated. Now I just have to scrounge airfare.

2007-02-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

*RANT WARNING*

There is just WAY too much tolerance of misogyny in our society.

I'm sick of it.

I've ranted about this before here, and I may do it again. In fact, I may make it my mission in life to eliminate usage of several words in reference to human females. I'm sick of it. Did I mention I was sick of it?

There is no excuse for it. I'm not gonna say "I'm sorry" for complaining about this - I'M NOT. I'm sick of it. It's NOT funny, it's NOT endearing it's NOT acceptable behavior. Yes, I am being intolerant! Intolerant of disrespect and insult, you betcha.

Civilized society requires some decorum, some standards of behavior. Widespread acceptance of misogynistic language, in my not at all humble opinion, does not represent any sort of decorum or standard that can be characterized as civilized. It's disgusting, demeaning and hurtful. Acceptance of it is so bad that even women participate in it. Sad, just truly sad.

I've come a long way in terms of tolerance in the past few years. I accept a lot of people and behaviors and I once found unacceptable; and I think I'm a better person for it. There are some things, however, that I will never accept - and this is one of them. I will never accept disrespect toward those who are, by far, the better part of the human species. It's wrong. PERIOD.

end of rant.

2007-02-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

pub"life"

semi-darkness wrapped in smoke and drawing like a vacuum the young and the willing, the bored and the curious.

lee harvey smoozes with little bo peep and orders drinks from keith richards/bd.

smoke is the air they breathe as more talent than they can perceive pours passionate precision forth into the conversation as they assign priorities to their senses.

do they wonder beyond the night's tawdry "conquest" to what such callous adolescent indifference equates in terms of human coherence?

petty attempts at flattery fall on willingly ignorant ears and illicit sometimes charmingly effective smiles, cliched routine an adventure to the first time fool.

2007-01-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.

2007-01-07T06:03:00.001-08:00

What to do? What to do?

Friday night made me very aware of a problem I have, a weakness. I imagined that dating would be a big part of my life now that I can again. I expected that there would be a number of different women and that things would be casual and fun - no big commitment; not for a while, anyway.

So far, I have asked two ladies to dinner; both of whom said thanks, but no thanks - they were already "in a relationship." I guess that's the phrase these days. Not a problem, I suppose one should expect to run into that. I've now met a third, this past Friday. Honestly, we know almost nothing about one another - we've conversed for a whole hour or so. In that hour, though, I probably learned more about myself than I did about her.

What I learned was that I'm apparently not too terribly interested in seeing a lot of different women. What I am interested in is finding one in particular. As we talked, I felt myself just going, imagining, hoping, hanging on every word she spoke. She never stopped looking me in the eye, she touched my arm frequently to make points in conversation. Basically, she made me feel as if she were genuinely interested and pleased that we had met. And my heart just leaped at the hope.

I know, I know - you just met! I'm coming out of a marriage in which I have been lonely for years. The rational side of me looks at that and says "chill!" and that makes perfect sense. The emotional side of me has just been handed an enormous thrill. Who's to say what may - or may not - happen? Would I have felt all this with anyone who spent a little time with me right now?

She asked me to call her, so I did. I asked if we could see each other, and she asked if we could wait until next weekend. I didn't hear any change in her tone, as if she were having second thoughts, just that she had already pretty much planned her weekend, and I wasn't in it. I can live with that. She said to call this week and we'll get together next weekend. My imagination has had a bit of fun bashing me with negative perspectives, but I'm trying not to let it get the best of me. At this point, all I really have to go on is what she tells me - I have to take it at face value.

Tell me I'm getting way to focused way too fast. Tell me I'm just a bit too anxious and that I'll settle down soon. Tell me I'm just flipping out a bit at having a conversation with another woman for the first time in decades. Tell me something!

2007-01-06T05:16:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly!

Went out for a bite to eat last night. I supped at a place my son introduced me to sometime ago; Buffalo Wildwings. It's a sports bar sort of place that serves up some pretty decent wings in a generally boisterous atmosphere liberally equiped with big-screen TV's blaring various team sports events. Now, yours truly is not a fan of team sports, but this establishment offered something that, at the time, was a distinct advantage over most other eateries in the area - a smoking room. State law here requires a seperate room with its own ventilation system, and the bar at this place is in such a room. There are also a number of tables for dining and free WIFI. I haven't had a cigarette in five days now and plan on keeping it that way, so that particular attraction no longer exists for me - but the wings are still tasty.

So, off I go. I'm enjoying my dinner and notice someone over at the bar. A young lady, animated, attractive, in the company of a couple of female friends. What the hell....I get the attention of a barkeep and give him a little cash with which to buy her one of whatever she's having. He does, then points me out to her. She looks, smiles and invites me over. Wow. We talk, we laugh, we connect a little. After being off the market for so long, it felt pretty awesome, folks. She didn't seem to mind that my divorce is in process - something I felt I should be very upfront about; and she appreciated me being so. Nor did it seem to bother her that I'm quite a bit older than she.

She wants me to call her.

2007-01-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

An age. Maybe two.

That's how long it's been since I've felt this good.

The divorce is now in the hands of lawyers. The plan (I thought) had been for what is known in this state as an "uncontested" divorce. Husband and wife agree upon who gets what and hire a single lawyer to file the required paperwork; cheap, simple. Unfortunately, S seems to have let someone convince her that she needed her own lawyer. Once she hired one, I had to.

All this means is that the end result will be the same, but will take a bit longer to arrive at and will cost a whole lot more than it should have. Oh well; bump in the road, nothing more. I cannot be bothered, really.

I can't be bothered because with each passing day I am more and more certain that this was the right thing to do. When I rise in the morning, I am happy; glad and grateful for another day, truly. I have not felt this way in many years.

I didn't get married to get divorced; but right now I know it was the right thing to do. I'm not who I was twenty five years ago. I've grown and learned and become someone I could never have imagined back then. I could regret the mistakes I've made (I have done that) or I can choose to learn from them and go on with my life; made better by the experience. I choose to look forward, not back. My past is a story now, no longer my life.

2006-11-20T19:41:00.000-08:00

the end

E and I moved to our apartment this past weekend. We had only ourselves to get the job done, and it nearly killed the both of us; I'm gonna be sore for a week. Today we closed on the house.

Yesterday, as I was packing up the last remnants of twenty-five years of marriage - sixteen of them in that house - I came across our photo albums. I opened a cabinet and there they were. I picked one up and started to put it in a box and started crying. Deep, sobbing heart hurting crying. I initiated our divorce and I'm still convinced it was the right thing to do, but we were married twenty-five years. Twenty-five years. We had a life together, it wasn't all bad. We raised a fine son together, we had pets, took trips and vacations....we had a life - together. Now its gone.

I'd been told by friends who have been through divorce that there would be moments of doubt and regret, pain and second guessing. I didn't doubt them, but until yesterday, I hadn't really experienced much of any of those things. I sat down on the floor of our empty bedroom, in the house we had spent most of our life together in and I cried like a baby for half and hour. It hurt. Then I called a friend who has been with me throough all of this and I cried some more. She listened, she comforted me. She was just there - and that was enough. Friends are wonderful gifts that I try never to underestimate the value of. They are few and precious. To that friend, for yesterday - thank you.

I'll probably go to pieces again before this is all overwith, but I cannot turn back now. I know its the right thing to do.

2006-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well...

This could well be the most civilized divorce in history - so far. Stopped by to see S on my way home from work on Friday, and had dinner with she and her parents. Her parents are not happy, but aren't inserting themselves into the situation, either. S is not happy, but seems resigned to it.

The house is on the market, and the agent listed it for more than I expected and seems confident of a quick sale. Houses in this area and price range are moving well right now. I hope she's right; the sooner we can get past this all, the sooner we can both move on with our lives and get over it. A friend told me something like, if it must be done, do it quickly. Sound advice, I believe.

I'll get some boxes this week and start cleaning out the attic and packing things up. Since S is staying with her parents, half the garage is available for stacking stuff. E and I have cleaned the house, mowed and generally spiffied the place up; looks decent.

Onward...

2006-09-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

puncture

My son frames houses for a living right now. He'll probably go to school in January to get his EMT certification; he wants to be a firefighter. He loves working with his hands, and he enjoys framing, went to two years of carpentry at vo-tech while still in high school (he graduated this past spring) and he's saving money.

Anyway, yesterday he was dismounting a ladder and managed to shoot himself in the thigh with his nailgun. Ouch.

He immediatly pulled the nail out - probably not a good move. He was able to drive himself to the emergency toom, they cleaned it, gave him a tetinous shot and took an x-ray. The nail grazed a nerve, and he can't feel his knee right now, but his leg works, stiffly. Thank God it didn't sever the nerve or worse, the artery. He stayed home today, but he's not bruised or swollen.

The boy is blessed.

2006-08-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

commencement

dream in careless moment ended
pyre whose burning never ceased
all an illusion

a life that was but ended unforgiven
a burden carried for no cause
past a scar without healing

a breaking

an ending

a seeing

a pause and sighing relief

a weakness renewing

2006-08-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

...saturday evening

I have to get out . I have to move in this world or I'm going to die. I have to live my life. I see so much done by so many and here I sit; I can't do this anymore.

Don't know where the money's gonna come from. Sometimes that seems like the most disgusting aspect of our society - everything costs money. I hate money - I hate that I have to think about it. Why wasn't I born independently wealthy? Oh well, one thing at a time.

I think anyone who reads this blog is aware by now that I have not been happy in my marriage for quite sometime. I got into it for all the wrong reasons, and the last few years have destroyed whatever pretense remained. I hope we can begin our lives apart by the end of the year. The house goes on the block this month, as soon as it sells, we're done. This is not a decision I have made lightly; it goes against everything I was raised to believe. It goes against my own experience with the divorce of the parents of someone I knew long ago - an event that affected both of us profoundly. But I can't stay here anymore, I just can't. There is nothing here - we are roommates, nothing more. I do not hate my wife, I wish her no pain; but we are not in love. I hate that our son has to go through this, but I cannot live my life for him; he has his own. I hope someday he understands that.

I had love in my life once; centuries ago. The kind of love that consumes and breathes and fills every part of your existance. I hope I can find that again, I hope. I know it isn't here, never was.

2006-08-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

in the moment

soaring through tenderness on carpet of dreams hoping only to continue

without net swirling high over sawdust of what was then and is going

no choice but to live in the moment or die on the post of what might have

2006-08-11T04:09:00.000-07:00

morning thoughts again

i am deliriously happy this morning.

that is all.

2006-08-09T04:20:00.000-07:00

morning thoughts

it's wednesday, hump day. i've risen, had breakfast, (eggs & sausage prepared by my son) showered, shaved; all that stuff. now i've got a few minutes of peace and quiet before i head for the office. fox news is on - not because i subscribe to their spin on things, but because the lovely e.d. hill is very easy to look at - hey, i'm a guy; sue me.

in a few minutes i'll begin my fifteen mile commute through the lunatic traffic and hope i survive one more trip. when i reach the office i'll get coffee, log on to the computers and start to work. it pays the rent, i suppose. my rut is dark and deep.

at the end of the day, i'll brave the traffic again, change clothes and head for the gym. this part of my day i enjoy a bit. i've been going now for about five weeks after not having visited a gym in well over twenty years and it is, in fact, doing some good. i've cut out a lot of the processed crap i was previously consuming, quit smoking and am generally feeling about one hundred percent better, physically.

i'm even feeling a bit better spiritually. i've decided to make some changes in my life and it seems that simply taking the decision is, in itself, a very positive force. i have some goals again, and am moving toward them - this is more than I've had in a long time. i'll let you know how things turn out.

2006-08-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Somebody said....

That I don't blog enough.

Well!

How effen presumptuous of them!

Are you people laboring under the illusion that I do this for you? Do you honestly suspect that I have an altruistic bone in my body? Puleese! Now that I've cleared that up for you, here's today's gratuitous post...

Ever wonder about the other people in the world? I mean all those gazillions of people out there whom you'll never know anything about, let alone meet or share a latte' with. My little mind gets boggled when I think about six BILLION people - holy shit! All those people have lives, hopes, dreams, tragedies and relationships. They drink, smoke, eat, have bowel movements and occasionally puke their shoeheels up. They read, write consume, produce and waste, they burn and laugh and cry and wear hats and too much eyeliner. They play games, fall off ladders and smash their thumbs with hammers and curse and disgust each other. They pretty much do everything I do; well, maybe not the bit about eyeliner.

So many lives and each of us trying to retain some individuality, some oneness that means we are different from everyone else. How much of that is possible now? I dunno. As we muddle through our lives and experience what seems total to us in our short, narrow focus, we don't realize - in the moment, anyway - that there are probably a few million other people going through the very same thing at that very moment. Should we think of our individual experience as any less important because of this? Does the size of humanity somehow lessen the lives of each of us? Am I talking in circles?

2006-07-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

imagine

if i cared would it matter?

if i gave would it show?

you have no idea

how much

as a seed for water

as a flower for light

as a fish for water

as an owl for night

you have no idea

how much

longing unimaginable

loyalty unmatched

worship unsullied

adoration unending

you have no idea

how much

oh imagine just once

paradise become reality

look and see all that matters

in my eyes

2006-07-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

need

all i know is a memory without recourse
all she loved was a boy who burned bright but faded soon
a morning so beautiful, a day so filled with all that matters
ended by deep night of anger's merciless assault
all my life in a night of rain chasing leaves down gutters
all her joy fled before thoughtless passion

is it too much to ask

2006-07-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

A Poll don'tcha love polls!?

If I ask if you're happy, how would you answer?

"Hey, go fuck yourself - it's nunna yer damn bidness!"

Yes, you might say that. However, this is my blog and I'm asking. Not only am I asking, I'm limiting your reply to a simple yes or no. Certainly there are things in everyone's life they're happy about, and other things, well, not so much. I'm not asking if you love your job, your mate, your kids, your dog, cat or the cool electronic gadget you couldn't wait to show off to all your friends. Neither am I asking if you are manic depressive, bipolar or just Catholic. I'm asking if you are happy - yes or no.

No, I won't tell you my own answer. Again, this is my blog and I make up the rules - pretty much as I go along. Now, let's see some single syllable replies! chop chop!

2006-06-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

dreams

if in slumber's womb i chance upon a friend

warm made in deepest peace

moment without flaw in mind's escape

what magic thereby wrought carries the day

2006-06-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

extinction

dragons rage in careless fury
all the while my spirit lingers
on a thought i lost in passing
on a thought i lost in passing
deep on earth and sleeping fitfully
dreams awaken a change without missing

dragons rage and sport is made
of living close without courage
shield is splintered and spear is riven
shield is splintered and spear is riven
blood pours forth from wounds
wounds of mace and forgetfulness

dragons rage but quietly now
hissing silence smolders pyroclastic heap
rest now and know not the cost
rest now and know not the cost
all spent is gain for newborn life
shining sun rises over sea of lessons learned

2006-06-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

the sky is a refuge to me, particularly the night sky. to lie on one's back and dive into the endless time that is the dome of stars is to become something more than what we are in this mean little world. to lose one's self in the myriad suns and velvet black is to glimpse the unimaginable glory of God.