lost in affectation

2007-07-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

an end...

I think this blog has outlived it's usefulness. It's title is from a time in my life that has passed. I am no longer in need of affecting a personality to hide my true self. I have faced my demons and am no longer afraid.

I have done what had to be done and I am moving on with my life....unafraid, secure in myself and, for the first time since childhood, truly happy.

Don't know if I'll start a new one, never really paid that much attention to this one. Don't think I'm much of a blogger. To those of you who supported me, listened, put up with me....to those of you who are my friends, thank you.

so...Auf Wiedersehen

2007-04-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

coolness...

Last weekend I took a trip. I went to a city I had never before visited, to meet someone I had never seen. In retrospect, it may well have been the most wonderful weekend of my life.

Some time back, The Universe brought two people together via the internets. These two people had been many of the same places in their lives. Both had been married for many years, both had been on spiritual journeys that changed their lives. Both had been hurt deeply and wondered if they could (or would) ever again experience what they had lost.

Before long, it was obvious to both of us that fate had, indeed taken a hand. I was invited to come visit. On the flight up, my heart was in my throat. As I walked down the hall to her place, my hands were shaking. She was every bit as exited to see me. We went for breakfast and then a walk in her favorite woods. She showed me some things in this forest that were dear to her, and told me why.

We spent the weekend getting to know one another the way lovers do. By the time I left, it was plain that I would be returning - as soon as possible. We are in love. We love, want and need each other in ways we both had dreamed of for years. We are completely comfortable with one another; we trust one another fully.

The geography issue will work itself out; it has to. Don't know when or how, but it will. All I can be right now is grateful and happy.

2007-03-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

at last

in a place so serene i heard the news
at a time so unexpected i felt the change
a shattering of structures long in place
a release of dread and embrace of hope
recognition and resignation
poured out and filled
rest now in arms of gratitude
take and receive all that is offered
without expectation, without reservation
breathe in joy and tremble in knowing
myth made reality and pain made peace
it is
it is

2007-03-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

Newness

Via a trusted friend, I have met someone. Someone with whom I seem to be spending virtually all of my spare time. Someone who makes me smile - a lot. Someone who smiles a lot when she's conversing with me; and laughs and shares and actually enjoys my company.

Though this relationship hardly qualifies as "internet dating," the internets are, so far, our primary means of communication. This has it's good points and bad. It's good in that we can learn a lot about each other from a "safe" distance. Bad in that, at this point, we've learned enough to actually want to meet in "meatspace." She has invited me to visit, but there is some geography involved and it will be some weeks before this happens.

Her sincerity is refreshing, her interest in me genuine. This is new; and nice. I've had a couple of less than enjoyable experiences with insincerity, indifference and outright dishonesty of late, so this "relationship" is so far most welcome and appreciated. Now I just have to scrounge airfare.

2007-02-05T16:47:00.000-08:00

*RANT WARNING*

There is just WAY too much tolerance of misogyny in our society.

I'm sick of it.

I've ranted about this before here, and I may do it again. In fact, I may make it my mission in life to eliminate usage of several words in reference to human females. I'm sick of it. Did I mention I was sick of it?

There is no excuse for it. I'm not gonna say "I'm sorry" for complaining about this - I'M NOT. I'm sick of it. It's NOT funny, it's NOT endearing it's NOT acceptable behavior. Yes, I am being intolerant! Intolerant of disrespect and insult, you betcha.

Civilized society requires some decorum, some standards of behavior. Widespread acceptance of misogynistic language, in my not at all humble opinion, does not represent any sort of decorum or standard that can be characterized as civilized. It's disgusting, demeaning and hurtful. Acceptance of it is so bad that even women participate in it. Sad, just truly sad.

I've come a long way in terms of tolerance in the past few years. I accept a lot of people and behaviors and I once found unacceptable; and I think I'm a better person for it. There are some things, however, that I will never accept - and this is one of them. I will never accept disrespect toward those who are, by far, the better part of the human species. It's wrong. PERIOD.

end of rant.

2007-02-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

pub"life"

semi-darkness wrapped in smoke and drawing like a vacuum the young and the willing, the bored and the curious.

lee harvey smoozes with little bo peep and orders drinks from keith richards/bd.

smoke is the air they breathe as more talent than they can perceive pours passionate precision forth into the conversation as they assign priorities to their senses.

do they wonder beyond the night's tawdry "conquest" to what such callous adolescent indifference equates in terms of human coherence?

petty attempts at flattery fall on willingly ignorant ears and illicit sometimes charmingly effective smiles, cliched routine an adventure to the first time fool.

2007-01-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.

2007-01-07T06:03:00.001-08:00

What to do? What to do?

Friday night made me very aware of a problem I have, a weakness. I imagined that dating would be a big part of my life now that I can again. I expected that there would be a number of different women and that things would be casual and fun - no big commitment; not for a while, anyway.

So far, I have asked two ladies to dinner; both of whom said thanks, but no thanks - they were already "in a relationship." I guess that's the phrase these days. Not a problem, I suppose one should expect to run into that. I've now met a third, this past Friday. Honestly, we know almost nothing about one another - we've conversed for a whole hour or so. In that hour, though, I probably learned more about myself than I did about her.

What I learned was that I'm apparently not too terribly interested in seeing a lot of different women. What I am interested in is finding one in particular. As we talked, I felt myself just going, imagining, hoping, hanging on every word she spoke. She never stopped looking me in the eye, she touched my arm frequently to make points in conversation. Basically, she made me feel as if she were genuinely interested and pleased that we had met. And my heart just leaped at the hope.

I know, I know - you just met! I'm coming out of a marriage in which I have been lonely for years. The rational side of me looks at that and says "chill!" and that makes perfect sense. The emotional side of me has just been handed an enormous thrill. Who's to say what may - or may not - happen? Would I have felt all this with anyone who spent a little time with me right now?

She asked me to call her, so I did. I asked if we could see each other, and she asked if we could wait until next weekend. I didn't hear any change in her tone, as if she were having second thoughts, just that she had already pretty much planned her weekend, and I wasn't in it. I can live with that. She said to call this week and we'll get together next weekend. My imagination has had a bit of fun bashing me with negative perspectives, but I'm trying not to let it get the best of me. At this point, all I really have to go on is what she tells me - I have to take it at face value.

Tell me I'm getting way to focused way too fast. Tell me I'm just a bit too anxious and that I'll settle down soon. Tell me I'm just flipping out a bit at having a conversation with another woman for the first time in decades. Tell me something!

2007-01-06T05:16:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly!

Went out for a bite to eat last night. I supped at a place my son introduced me to sometime ago; Buffalo Wildwings. It's a sports bar sort of place that serves up some pretty decent wings in a generally boisterous atmosphere liberally equiped with big-screen TV's blaring various team sports events. Now, yours truly is not a fan of team sports, but this establishment offered something that, at the time, was a distinct advantage over most other eateries in the area - a smoking room. State law here requires a seperate room with its own ventilation system, and the bar at this place is in such a room. There are also a number of tables for dining and free WIFI. I haven't had a cigarette in five days now and plan on keeping it that way, so that particular attraction no longer exists for me - but the wings are still tasty.

So, off I go. I'm enjoying my dinner and notice someone over at the bar. A young lady, animated, attractive, in the company of a couple of female friends. What the hell....I get the attention of a barkeep and give him a little cash with which to buy her one of whatever she's having. He does, then points me out to her. She looks, smiles and invites me over. Wow. We talk, we laugh, we connect a little. After being off the market for so long, it felt pretty awesome, folks. She didn't seem to mind that my divorce is in process - something I felt I should be very upfront about; and she appreciated me being so. Nor did it seem to bother her that I'm quite a bit older than she.

She wants me to call her.

2007-01-03T21:48:00.000-08:00

An age. Maybe two.

That's how long it's been since I've felt this good.

The divorce is now in the hands of lawyers. The plan (I thought) had been for what is known in this state as an "uncontested" divorce. Husband and wife agree upon who gets what and hire a single lawyer to file the required paperwork; cheap, simple. Unfortunately, S seems to have let someone convince her that she needed her own lawyer. Once she hired one, I had to.

All this means is that the end result will be the same, but will take a bit longer to arrive at and will cost a whole lot more than it should have. Oh well; bump in the road, nothing more. I cannot be bothered, really.

I can't be bothered because with each passing day I am more and more certain that this was the right thing to do. When I rise in the morning, I am happy; glad and grateful for another day, truly. I have not felt this way in many years.

I didn't get married to get divorced; but right now I know it was the right thing to do. I'm not who I was twenty five years ago. I've grown and learned and become someone I could never have imagined back then. I could regret the mistakes I've made (I have done that) or I can choose to learn from them and go on with my life; made better by the experience. I choose to look forward, not back. My past is a story now, no longer my life.

2006-11-20T19:41:00.000-08:00

the end

E and I moved to our apartment this past weekend. We had only ourselves to get the job done, and it nearly killed the both of us; I'm gonna be sore for a week. Today we closed on the house.

Yesterday, as I was packing up the last remnants of twenty-five years of marriage - sixteen of them in that house - I came across our photo albums. I opened a cabinet and there they were. I picked one up and started to put it in a box and started crying. Deep, sobbing heart hurting crying. I initiated our divorce and I'm still convinced it was the right thing to do, but we were married twenty-five years. Twenty-five years. We had a life together, it wasn't all bad. We raised a fine son together, we had pets, took trips and vacations....we had a life - together. Now its gone.

I'd been told by friends who have been through divorce that there would be moments of doubt and regret, pain and second guessing. I didn't doubt them, but until yesterday, I hadn't really experienced much of any of those things. I sat down on the floor of our empty bedroom, in the house we had spent most of our life together in and I cried like a baby for half and hour. It hurt. Then I called a friend who has been with me throough all of this and I cried some more. She listened, she comforted me. She was just there - and that was enough. Friends are wonderful gifts that I try never to underestimate the value of. They are few and precious. To that friend, for yesterday - thank you.

I'll probably go to pieces again before this is all overwith, but I cannot turn back now. I know its the right thing to do.

2006-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Well...

This could well be the most civilized divorce in history - so far. Stopped by to see S on my way home from work on Friday, and had dinner with she and her parents. Her parents are not happy, but aren't inserting themselves into the situation, either. S is not happy, but seems resigned to it.

The house is on the market, and the agent listed it for more than I expected and seems confident of a quick sale. Houses in this area and price range are moving well right now. I hope she's right; the sooner we can get past this all, the sooner we can both move on with our lives and get over it. A friend told me something like, if it must be done, do it quickly. Sound advice, I believe.

I'll get some boxes this week and start cleaning out the attic and packing things up. Since S is staying with her parents, half the garage is available for stacking stuff. E and I have cleaned the house, mowed and generally spiffied the place up; looks decent.

Onward...

2006-09-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

puncture

My son frames houses for a living right now. He'll probably go to school in January to get his EMT certification; he wants to be a firefighter. He loves working with his hands, and he enjoys framing, went to two years of carpentry at vo-tech while still in high school (he graduated this past spring) and he's saving money.

Anyway, yesterday he was dismounting a ladder and managed to shoot himself in the thigh with his nailgun. Ouch.

He immediatly pulled the nail out - probably not a good move. He was able to drive himself to the emergency toom, they cleaned it, gave him a tetinous shot and took an x-ray. The nail grazed a nerve, and he can't feel his knee right now, but his leg works, stiffly. Thank God it didn't sever the nerve or worse, the artery. He stayed home today, but he's not bruised or swollen.

The boy is blessed.

2006-08-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

commencement

dream in careless moment ended
pyre whose burning never ceased
all an illusion

a life that was but ended unforgiven
a burden carried for no cause
past a scar without healing

a breaking

an ending

a seeing

a pause and sighing relief

a weakness renewing

2006-08-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

...saturday evening

I have to get out . I have to move in this world or I'm going to die. I have to live my life. I see so much done by so many and here I sit; I can't do this anymore.

Don't know where the money's gonna come from. Sometimes that seems like the most disgusting aspect of our society - everything costs money. I hate money - I hate that I have to think about it. Why wasn't I born independently wealthy? Oh well, one thing at a time.

I think anyone who reads this blog is aware by now that I have not been happy in my marriage for quite sometime. I got into it for all the wrong reasons, and the last few years have destroyed whatever pretense remained. I hope we can begin our lives apart by the end of the year. The house goes on the block this month, as soon as it sells, we're done. This is not a decision I have made lightly; it goes against everything I was raised to believe. It goes against my own experience with the divorce of the parents of someone I knew long ago - an event that affected both of us profoundly. But I can't stay here anymore, I just can't. There is nothing here - we are roommates, nothing more. I do not hate my wife, I wish her no pain; but we are not in love. I hate that our son has to go through this, but I cannot live my life for him; he has his own. I hope someday he understands that.

I had love in my life once; centuries ago. The kind of love that consumes and breathes and fills every part of your existance. I hope I can find that again, I hope. I know it isn't here, never was.

2006-08-12T16:01:00.000-07:00

in the moment

soaring through tenderness on carpet of dreams hoping only to continue

without net swirling high over sawdust of what was then and is going

no choice but to live in the moment or die on the post of what might have

2006-08-11T04:09:00.000-07:00

morning thoughts again

i am deliriously happy this morning.

that is all.

2006-08-09T04:20:00.000-07:00

morning thoughts

it's wednesday, hump day. i've risen, had breakfast, (eggs & sausage prepared by my son) showered, shaved; all that stuff. now i've got a few minutes of peace and quiet before i head for the office. fox news is on - not because i subscribe to their spin on things, but because the lovely e.d. hill is very easy to look at - hey, i'm a guy; sue me.

in a few minutes i'll begin my fifteen mile commute through the lunatic traffic and hope i survive one more trip. when i reach the office i'll get coffee, log on to the computers and start to work. it pays the rent, i suppose. my rut is dark and deep.

at the end of the day, i'll brave the traffic again, change clothes and head for the gym. this part of my day i enjoy a bit. i've been going now for about five weeks after not having visited a gym in well over twenty years and it is, in fact, doing some good. i've cut out a lot of the processed crap i was previously consuming, quit smoking and am generally feeling about one hundred percent better, physically.

i'm even feeling a bit better spiritually. i've decided to make some changes in my life and it seems that simply taking the decision is, in itself, a very positive force. i have some goals again, and am moving toward them - this is more than I've had in a long time. i'll let you know how things turn out.

2006-08-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

Somebody said....

That I don't blog enough.

Well!

How effen presumptuous of them!

Are you people laboring under the illusion that I do this for you? Do you honestly suspect that I have an altruistic bone in my body? Puleese! Now that I've cleared that up for you, here's today's gratuitous post...

Ever wonder about the other people in the world? I mean all those gazillions of people out there whom you'll never know anything about, let alone meet or share a latte' with. My little mind gets boggled when I think about six BILLION people - holy shit! All those people have lives, hopes, dreams, tragedies and relationships. They drink, smoke, eat, have bowel movements and occasionally puke their shoeheels up. They read, write consume, produce and waste, they burn and laugh and cry and wear hats and too much eyeliner. They play games, fall off ladders and smash their thumbs with hammers and curse and disgust each other. They pretty much do everything I do; well, maybe not the bit about eyeliner.

So many lives and each of us trying to retain some individuality, some oneness that means we are different from everyone else. How much of that is possible now? I dunno. As we muddle through our lives and experience what seems total to us in our short, narrow focus, we don't realize - in the moment, anyway - that there are probably a few million other people going through the very same thing at that very moment. Should we think of our individual experience as any less important because of this? Does the size of humanity somehow lessen the lives of each of us? Am I talking in circles?

2006-07-29T23:53:00.000-07:00

imagine

if i cared would it matter?

if i gave would it show?

you have no idea

how much

as a seed for water

as a flower for light

as a fish for water

as an owl for night

you have no idea

how much

longing unimaginable

loyalty unmatched

worship unsullied

adoration unending

you have no idea

how much

oh imagine just once

paradise become reality

look and see all that matters

in my eyes

2006-07-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

need

all i know is a memory without recourse
all she loved was a boy who burned bright but faded soon
a morning so beautiful, a day so filled with all that matters
ended by deep night of anger's merciless assault
all my life in a night of rain chasing leaves down gutters
all her joy fled before thoughtless passion

is it too much to ask

2006-07-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

A Poll don'tcha love polls!?

If I ask if you're happy, how would you answer?

"Hey, go fuck yourself - it's nunna yer damn bidness!"

Yes, you might say that. However, this is my blog and I'm asking. Not only am I asking, I'm limiting your reply to a simple yes or no. Certainly there are things in everyone's life they're happy about, and other things, well, not so much. I'm not asking if you love your job, your mate, your kids, your dog, cat or the cool electronic gadget you couldn't wait to show off to all your friends. Neither am I asking if you are manic depressive, bipolar or just Catholic. I'm asking if you are happy - yes or no.

No, I won't tell you my own answer. Again, this is my blog and I make up the rules - pretty much as I go along. Now, let's see some single syllable replies! chop chop!

2006-06-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

dreams

if in slumber's womb i chance upon a friend

warm made in deepest peace

moment without flaw in mind's escape

what magic thereby wrought carries the day

2006-06-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

extinction

dragons rage in careless fury
all the while my spirit lingers
on a thought i lost in passing
on a thought i lost in passing
deep on earth and sleeping fitfully
dreams awaken a change without missing

dragons rage and sport is made
of living close without courage
shield is splintered and spear is riven
shield is splintered and spear is riven
blood pours forth from wounds
wounds of mace and forgetfulness

dragons rage but quietly now
hissing silence smolders pyroclastic heap
rest now and know not the cost
rest now and know not the cost
all spent is gain for newborn life
shining sun rises over sea of lessons learned

2006-06-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

the sky is a refuge to me, particularly the night sky. to lie on one's back and dive into the endless time that is the dome of stars is to become something more than what we are in this mean little world. to lose one's self in the myriad suns and velvet black is to glimpse the unimaginable glory of God.

2006-06-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

par, mas nao

she thought him odd and charming
he found her winsome

she tried her best to humour him
he never saw it so

she knew not how he loved her
he hoped with all his heart

they both needed something so
neither knew just what

2006-06-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

Can a heart truly be known?

We love for different reasons, with different nuances. We love our god, our parents, siblings and friends, we love our pets. We love humanity in what is generally a rather distant way. The love that looms largest in most lives is that for a mate. In all of these, the other party knows something of our heart, but can anyone really know all of us? Can we know ourselves completely?

I'd like to think I know myself well, but recent conversations with a person whom the term dear friend dosn't begin to describe have given me pause. I find myself reexamining things about myself that I held to be immutable. This sort of soul searching is difficult at best but long overdue; I'm nothing if not a procrastinator.

There is a tendency among many these days to label as whining any talk of one's emotional needs; I'm not sure why. We are emotional creatures and that part of us needs nourishment as surely as our bodies need food. Using that analogy, my soul is quite literally starving to death. I remember a time in my life when I was sated, but that was a very long time ago.

Restoring emotional health will take a lot. It will involve some pretty heavy moral demolition and not a little disruption in my life. It will involve pain and change; two things most of us are loath to encounter. I haven't yet decided on a fixed course of action, only that there is a great need for action. Inertia is a powerful thing, especially when allied with fear. It will take a depth of strength I'm not sure I possess to overcome them.

Another friend told me once:

When you get up in the morning, the best that can happen that day is that all your dreams are realized. The worst that can happen is you die. Everything between is small stuff.

I think that might be a good mantra for me right now.

2006-06-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

mistero

wind from afar
blows to mind a muse of ancient method

sky of pleasure's reflection
bears down a weight of measured belief

leaf soaring unguided
inspires coda of joyous abandon

journey's end unknown
a wonder of magnitude too often ignored

2006-06-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

Neko's Latest

I love this disc. Neko's voice is not the finest in the world, but it is fine. Untrained, unrestrained, filled with raw passion. It took a while for my tiny mind to come to grips with her poetry, but I love that too. Lost innocence, lost love and even a bit of gospel thrown in; all wrapped up in some of the most honestly original music and arragements I've heard in years - awesome stuff. I've been saying this woman is the best thing to happen to music since Elvis, and this album just adds to the claim.

Buy it!

2006-06-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

rifugio

long miles spent dreaming and wishing otherwise have left me only tired and covered with the dust of disappointment, kicking stones of circumstance and reason, I stumble on in stupor of staid convention without thinking

carry me

wrap me in arms of refuge and comfort, without reservation or guile, bathe me in sweetness of affection unbridled and suffer no parting or stay of embrace, hold me only and speak without voice

2006-05-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

camminata di sonno

sleeping, she walks...

exploring secret dreams, visiting gardens hallowed by her vision, drawn through slumber's magic veil to sacred manse

seeing true though seeing not, of desire is her bed of sweetest scent made and tumbled
lifted passion beyond understanding to plains of knowing

tumbled down by morning and dull return of waking's entropy

2006-04-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

redemption

lost and beyond caring
centered on meaningless tripe
given to self-indulgence
wondering where it all goes

i thought i knew what it took to be one
i believed in a true sense of worth
somewhere the circle got broken
somehow the tune lost key

dream and desire the perfection
wish and hope for a sign
carry the mistakes like a burden
forget not but try to forgive
myself

2006-04-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

troika

forma obscura

form from water's wash to unflinching granite's face
all in plasma flowing splintered limb and milk of kindness
shattered by passing passion and cast in shape new and unknown

place indefinate

place a place or not at all - difference is everything
moved by circumstance and rooted in vice without reason
journey constant and needed in stagnation's stead

mood flux

mood an ever changing mural of colours so deep
arrived and departed without reason or bidding
ruler of all when in fullsail, quiet joy in womb of thought

2006-04-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

All the Best

I wish you love
and happiness

I guess I wish
you all the best

I wish you don't
do like I do

and ever fall in love with someone like you

'cause if you fell
just like I did

You'd probably walk around the block like a little kid

but kids don't know
they can only guess

how hard it is to wish you happiness

I guess that love
is like a Christmas card

you decorate a tree
you throw it in the yard

it decays and dies
and the snowmen melt

well I once knew love
I knew how love felt

yeah I knew love and it knew me

and when I walked
love walked with me

and I got no hate
and I got no pride

well I got so much love that I cannot hide

say you drive a Chevy
say you drive a Ford

you say you drive around the town 'til you just get bored

then you change your mind
for something else to do

and your heart gets bored with your mind and it changes you

well it's a doggone shame
and it's an awful mess

I wish you love
I wish you happiness

I wish you love
I wish you happiness

I guess I wish
you all the best

- John Prine

2006-04-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

in a diner

The coffee was decent but the pie was cold. Neither of them was much interested in either anyway. Her coat lay piled next to her in the booth, her purse on top. Out the window, through the rain, the traffic rumbled on, indifferent.

His mindless gaze toward the street was broken by the lightest touch of a hand on his own. He looked at her and smiled. The look in her eyes said much and quickly gained his rapted attention.

Could you still love me? she asked in a voice so soft he almost didn't hear.

Without any effort at all....came the reply from deep within him.

Then hold me, hold me in your arms....and make me know it's true.

2006-03-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

step count

I dreamed a dream...

a waltz we danced so lightly
Strauss was sublime

one two three two two three

quartet in perfect form
candle light all around

one two three two two three

a dance most joyous
a night most divine

2006-03-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

un mito di perdono

drawn and quartered on millstone of indecision
flayed by knives dull and cruel
vision clouded and blood become ice
limbs drained of strength and mind reeling
once so fixed and filled with purpose
now burned and battered by vicissitude
dream of elation still kept though darkened
a lasting so true and unfettered by demand
a longing so deep and filled with remorse
giving a need without an answer
needing a burden without cause to carry

o for that moment in mist almost gone

2006-03-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

holding

love was a deep, warm, drowning of embrace and giving. a matchless soft shroud of worth too great for measure. without guile or expectation we held vision so pure and willing. no expression to configure, all flying on wishes wings.

2006-03-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

reap what you sow

sweet seed of reason

self important, self aware
never satisfied but frequently comfortable

sweet seed of ruin

ever present, often sleeping
quaking with fear but giver of strength

sweet seed of friendship

most treasured, least valued
given in hope and lost in foolishness

sweet seed of passion

always fleeting, many but dreaming
returned by love and held so very tightly

2006-02-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

immersion

down, not breathing, down and twisting; pulled mercilessly by the stone. all passes by and mocking, again in an endless loop of disappointment. first and last, best and worst, none more pressing than any. deep and deeper still and not breathing. inky darkness that clings without resisting. all around the infinite sigh of emptiness. all around the meetings and partings and always the crushing deep. bound by foolishness and second guesses, pulled without remorse by the stone. light so distant through wet filter and fading.

2006-02-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

*Rant Warning*

Am I the only one who finds modern Amercan pop "culture" disappointing at best?

What is it that's interesting about a culture that celebrates the degradation of women and the animalistic impulses of men? Seems the only "talent" required for fame these days is a willingness to be as pathetic, disgusting or offensive as possible. The show "The Soup" really brings that home. This show has an utterly bottomless well of material shamelessly provided by the "entertainment" industry. Don't get me wrong; I find the show quite hilarious, and that bothers me a little.

Then there's the whole "hip hop" thing. These people seem to have no respect for anything or anyone; least of all women. I know that my parents were every bit as horrified by rock & roll when I was a kid, but I really think things have reached a new low. The everyday use of the B word by almost everyone is an example of what I'm talking about. Why? Why do people use that word to describe women? Where is the respect? Does anyone even know what that word means anymore?

Well, I guess that's my random ramble for the day. We now return you to our regularly scheduled crap.

2006-02-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

bellezza

green blue earth and sky
million colours clamour for the eye

beauty overwhelms me

newborn baby's cry
love of father for child

beauty overwhelms me

a thought that makes all the difference
a care when no one knew

beauty overwhelms me

string skillfully stroked
horn well blown

beauty overwhelms me

voice filled with passion joy
heart filled with love

beauty overwhelms me

city's light velvet star-filled sky
mountain's majesty

beauty overwhelms me

expanse of rolling sea
eternal burning blue heaven

beauty overwhelms me

so much
so much

all so much and more than i

2006-02-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

marathon

and away we ran

through fields of green and gold

through forest dark and dreaming

through months and years

look forth to hope

look back and regret

2006-02-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

in the rain

I watched as the man walked in the rain. Not a hard rain, but steady. He was wearing a stained leather jacket and no hat. His grey hair, matted and wet, seemed to glisten. As I watched, the man stopped, looked down. He stooped and moved as if to pick something up, though I saw nothing in the rain. He then continued his unhurried pace, around the corner and out of my view.

I crossed the street to the spot where the man had stooped down. Looking at the pavement, I saw only my reflection. The stairs to my apartment beckoned, and drew me to refuge.

2006-02-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

impression

This painting, Girl with Pearl Earring by Jan Vermeer, has always appealed to me in a very sublime way. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Vermeer was pretty obscure in his own time. If you've seen the film from a year or two ago, you'd get the idea that he was a sort of pet artist kept by a single wealthy patron. I have no idea how historically accurate the film is; probably the people who made it have none either. It was interesting, but really had no effect on my impression of the painting.

The girl is innocence personified; but not. She is sweet, but wise in an indefinable way. She's worldy but still a child. The painting still makes me shudder with its poignant appeal.

Oh - and she has no eyebrows.

2006-02-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

caminhada do amor

love's walk long and deep

wavering not in forest dense with circumstance

stepping lightly drawn on by promise

sometimes steady sometimes rushed

always breathless

winsome and dreaming of everlasting

never doubting even in stumble

walk on

2006-02-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

ode to insomnia

in dreams we linger long and torn from them by waking we are left with loss and gummy eyes

drawn down in sleep to places unknown to waking hours and sometimes wish for coffee

clamour busy day and routine so depraved without respite we take lunch at our desk

needs of modern life so pressing and peace so fleeting without wonder we seek chemical refuge

relationships regimented and obligations carried like stones but knowing ourselves we carry on

solace of first purpose a fading reward

2006-02-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

enamored

angel enamored
yet touched with regret

beauty enraptured
yet soaring not set

angel possessed
of gifts so divine

so overflowing
a passion so fine

2006-02-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

Steppe sublime

vastness untrod with beauty in keeping

the prairie rolls ever on

awash in a sea of grass we are humbled

made small by golden majesty

2006-01-25T16:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes...

I feel as if I can't take it any more.

Some of the folks who read this blog know that, several years ago, I spent several years under the care of a psychiatrist, on medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I've always been a meloncholy (I think it's genetic) but for a time, it became more than I could bear. I missed so much work that I nearly lost my job, because I was, quite frankly, afraid to leave my house.

The shrink prescribed a very heavy dose of an anti-depressant and Zanex for the accompanying anxiety. Anti-depressants take several months to become effective, but between the drugs and the (in the beginning) twice weekly therapy sessions things began to moderate. The therapy sessions became less frequent as we talked out the episode in my past that I had suppressed for far to long.

Trouble was, the drug made me an emotional zombie. This was a good thing at first, because I was a real basket case. After a while, though, one needs to feel something; even if it's only pain. I couldn't get excited about anything, nor did I get upset about anything; I went for almost three years without shedding a single tear. Not only that, it killed my creativity - I couldn't write. So, I asked the doctor to let me come off the med. He advised against it, but let me. After coming off it the first time, after a period of months, I had to go back on it. The second attempt has lasted over three years now.

In the past several months, I've experienced several increasingly severe anxiety attacks. When they happen, I feel as if my sanity is hanging by a thread, a very thin one. I do not want to go back on the medication; really. I'm contemplating some Saint John's Wort. Maybe that can regulate the chemicals in my brain enough to control my mood, but not make me numb, I don't know. I've thought of going back to the shrink and seeing if maybe we could just treat it with the Zanex and not the other stuff; the fact that I'm considering that, to me, is a measure of how bad things have gotten. I understand now what brought on that horrible state I was in, and I really am beyond the primary cause; but I also know that the meloncholy that is part of my wiring is still there. I'd like to think I can deal with it without that soul-killing anti-depressant.

I don't know why this rates a blog entry. Maybe I hope someone out there has had a similar experience and found some alternative means of handling it. Maybe I just need to tell someone.

2006-01-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's mine...

Four jobs I've had:

1. roughneck (yes, that is an actual job title)
2. delivery driver
3. compressor station operator
4. office manager

Four places I've lived:

1. Virginia
2. Ohio
3. Georgia (I wish I'd never left)
4. West Virginia

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Radio Paradise
2. my blog
3. someone else's blog
4. by-art.com

Four television shows I love to watch:

1. Strangers With Candy
2. Will & Grace
3. Two and a Half Men
4. Malcolm in the Middle

Four of my favorite foods:

1. chocolate (doesn't this one go without saying?)
2. steak
3. rice
4. cocoa puffs (yeah, so?)

Four albums I can't live without:

1. Annie Lennox - bare
2. Aimee Mann - Bachelor #2
3. AC/DC - Back in Black (hey - it RAWKS)
4. Yes - Fragile (a true classic that never grows old)

Four places you'd rather be:

1. Georgia (did I mention I love Georgia?)
2. Big Sur
3. San Francisco
4. a tiny island no one knows about in the South Pacific

Four people to tag for this meme:

you know who you are...

2006-01-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

Choral Inspiration

oh what holiness we are
and so fallen

oh what peace we've lost
and blessing awaited

given so much and taken
without thanks or deserving

how far and how madly we wander
seeking that which was in our hands to begin

our pride and our selfishness are our end
what immeasurable glory and peace unimagined have we missed

what obscenity we commit
and call it faith

what bottomless depravity we delve
and call it caring

without our inheritance and given each to his own
how much do we not see and look away in pride

mystery revealed to he who sees not to seek
but only receive

2006-01-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

live

pray into and for

never leave without and wishing

bring all and burn complete

breathe as first and last

wonder and joy in all and every

adore

and dream

and keep

2006-01-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

constant companion

and the wind never ceases

cradle's comfort
death's last rattle
ill or fair

and the wind never ceases

childhood's carefree embrace
youth's fleeting caress
blessed curse of age

and the wind never ceases

love's deep
pain's fire
compassion's sate

and the wind never ceases

2006-01-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

what do we do?

Having reached almost forty seven years of age, I find I wonder a lot of late about the choices I've made in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of the much ballihooed "mid-life crisis." Gawd I hope not - how pedestrian that would be. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I wonder about stuff lately.

I wonder if I should have actually gone to college after enrolling. I wonder if, maybe, I gave up on someone a moment or two before I should have. I wonder if I'd still be alive if Army medicine, in it's abysmal incompetence, hadn't pitched me out on my ear before the recent wars. I wonder what things would be like if I'd chosen a different career. I wonder how the hell S has put up with me all these years. I wonder if I've done all I could for our son, who's getting close to striking out on his own. I wonder how I manage to get up every morning and drag my ass to that souless hell I work in. I wonder why I'm not an alcoholic or living in a cardboard box somewhere.

What do we do in this life?

Is it just some great cosmic joke? Who's laughing?

I'm not saying my life is a total loss; I just wonder, when I'm gone - what will remain? What mark have I made? Have I accomplished anything that anyone will remember? Isn't that what we're supposed to do - immortalize ourselves somehow?

I'm not really in a funk here, it's not like that. It's just curiosity.

2006-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

and anon...

and the longness stretched on...

into darkness

into light

beyond ever and anon

and on up past the borrowed glitter of youth

without apology

or even explanation

onward ever without and gone

2006-01-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

Grieving

where is she?
she can't be found
her aroma lingers
the place remains

where is she?
my small warm friend
i will remember
can i forget?

where is she?
short enough is life
shorter still for some
i miss her

______________________

Gadget, our oldest male ferret, seems to miss Tasha. At playtime he goes to the small carpeted tube tower where she spent much of her time. He circles it, goes inside, comes back out. Sometimes he lays inside.

Spoke with the vet today, Tasha had a tumor the size of a walnut on her right adrenal gland remnant; he said there was nothing we could have done for her. I know we did what was best, but, damnit, these little creatures only live 8-9 years at best anyway; Tasha barely had 3.

I'll stop moping now.

2005-12-30T15:16:00.000-08:00

and then there were three...

We had to put one of our ferrets, Natasha, down today. The vet thinks she had a cancer.

Tasha came to us a little over two years ago and was, we believe, a littermate to Boris, one of our males. She was always a bit of a loner at playtime, keeping to her own little game of moving small stuffed toys from place to place and hiding them. This is nesting/mothering behaviour. She wanted to be a momma so much she even convinced herself (hormanally) that she was pregnant for a time. She was always very sweet natured.

She will be missed.

2005-12-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

pagan streams

and we walked the pagan streams
and searched for white horses on surrounding hills
we lived where dusk had meaning
and repaired to quiet sleep, where noise abated
in touch with the silence
on Honey Street, on Honey Street

what happened to a sense of wonder
on yonder hillside, getting dim
why didn't they leave us, alone
why couldn't we just be ourselves
we could dream, and keep bees
and live on Honey Street

and we walked the pagan streams
in meditation and contemplation
and we didn't need anybody, or anything
then, no concepts, being free
and I wanna climb that hillside again, with you
one more time

as the great, great, great, great, great, great, great
Being watches over
and we repair, repair, shhh, repair, shhh, we repair
to Honey Street, to Honey Street

- Van Morrison, from the album Hymns to the Silence
______________________________

I love Van Morrison. He is, perhaps, the greatest poet alive today.

This particular piece is, for me, his most beautiful work, and to hear him recite it is a profound experience which, though I have heard it many times, has lost none of its impact.

It reminds me so much of the innocence of my own youth; a treasure lost but never forgotten....sorely missed.

2005-12-28T20:30:00.001-08:00

but without

a walk was taken on a winter's day
icy silence and drippy nose

fencepost shrouded by hordes of snowflakes
bare trees and biting breeze

seeming desolation hides life and green
drift and icicle by wind made mad

i left no tracks

2005-12-16T19:57:00.000-08:00

More Chocolate

silver dreams and calling
once there was a joy and dying not fell away
drops of rain in a sea of passing
with all there is without

silver dreams and calling
she held out her hand so fresh and knew
remembering many merry moments
driving on there is a new

silver dreams and calling
heart poured molten to a new design
no depth more precious or high
find your end and listen

2005-12-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

Tired

Sat with S for a while this evening and tried to be a comfort. She went to the doctor this morning to get her blood glucose checked and learn how to use her new meter. Her type 2 diabeties has, in all likelihood, been brought on by the steroids she's been on for about 2 years to help combat the colitis. Sometimes the cure is as bad as the disease.

She's just tired; tired of being sick and tired. Though I can't begin to imagine how she feels, I can try. I can do my best to be compassionate and understanding, to let her know I love her. The new treatment for the colitis (Remicade) seems to be working well, and the doctor is slowly weening her off the steroid; so this is good. He hopes that this incredibly expensive treatment will cure her, ultimately. We hope he's right.

Life isn't much fun these days, S rarely has the strength to go out after a day at the office; and she misses a fair number of those. The medical bills, even with insurance, have consumed what little disposable income we had anyway. Thank God for the ferrets; they're always good for a laugh or two.

All we can do at this point is adhere to the old "this to shall pass" mantra.

2005-12-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

Good Boy

I'm so proud of our son lately. After a couple of really bad years in school he is really doing it right this year. He's pulling A's & B's in all his classes and really has a good attitude about things.

That is all.

2005-12-12T18:40:00.001-08:00

communion

rapt attention, eyes closed

knowing without speaking

feeling without touching

inner self complete

2005-12-10T06:00:00.000-08:00

Breakfast with Eddie Vedder

Last night I dreamed about breakfast with my brother, Stuart and Kris; and Eddie Vedder. We were at Eddie's place, I believe, which was thoroughly unimpressive and pretty trashed. (maybe it was simply a representation of what my mind perceives a stereotypical tortured artist/rockstar's place should be, I dunno) We had Eggos and orange juice and talked about mullets and why people kill their children in China. Oh - and Stuart had lost a lot of weight. We also talked about having been astronauts in our youth. I have no idea what any of this means.

I got up this morning and had Eggos and orange juice for breakfast; but no friends, no Eddie Vedder. I did really enjoy the dream, though. Dreaming is something that's only recently begun happening for me again after a long period of empiness in that regard. But are they always gonna be this weird?

2005-11-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

Chocolate & Inspiration

I, like many, am a chocolate fiend. I don't just love chocolate, I have a profound, personal relationship with it. We once bandied about which was better; sex or chocolate in the AU. I suppose I'm still torn about it myself - both are highly sensual and satisfying experiences.

Anyway, yesterday I was sitting in front of the computer, staring at a blank Word document and trying to produce something readable. I was also snacking on some chocolate; nothing fancy, just little Hershey bars. In the middle of one of these little bits of heaven melting in my mouth, I just started typing; sort of like automatic writing, I suppose. I wasn't looking at the screen anymore, I was looking at the keyboard, but not really seeing what I was typing. What came out was quite good, but incomplete; I will probably mess with it some more tonight.

It was quite wonderful. Never experienced that before, just sort of flowed.....I attribute it to a Zen-like state induced by chocolate. You may scoff, and maybe I am full of shit. I may put on a lot of weight. eek.

More chocolate tonight.

2005-11-27T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hypersensitivity

Insecurity - that's what it is. That's what makes me the hypersensitive fret freak that I am.

2005-11-26T12:41:00.000-08:00

My Nose! My Nose!

We have ferrets, four of them. Gadget, the first and eldest, Penny (you figure out who they're named after!) Boris and Natasha. They spend most of their time in an enormous cage in a spare bedroom, but get play time each evening out in the living room. Night before last, I was down on the floor playing with the "kids" and Boris bit me. He's done this before, but never drawn blood.

I was playing with them with a squeeky toy (a shark) and Boris was getting very excited, as he often does. Lying on my side on the floor, my face was just inches from the floor and Boris suddenly lunged at me (he moves far faster than I) and sunk his canines into my proboscus. Ferrets can play very rough, and they bite on each other quit a lot; their skin, however, is like iron and is rarely penetrated.

Upon surveying the damage, I'll probably keep a small scar as a reminder to keep a bit of distance between an excited Boris and my nose. Ouch.

2005-11-25T13:17:00.001-08:00

Parenthood

Our son, Eric, is a good kid. He's not perfect, but he's a good kid. Eric is almost nineteen and is a senior in high school. He should have graduated last year, but he enjoyed ninth grade so much he wanted to do it twice. He attended private schools through that first pass at ninth grade, at which point his mother and I decided not to continue footing the bill for private school. He still didn't do very well, but he managed to pass. Last year, he very nearly flunked again, and had to go to summer school. This year, I think he has finally figured out that he doesn't have to like school, but he does have to pass. He's GPA this year is running about 3.5; amazing.

Other than having almost no interest in education, he really is a good kid. He runs with a good crowd, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, and gets into almost no trouble.

Did we waste all that money sending him to private schools all those years? I don't think so. They were church-run schools, and he got very grounded in them. His sense of right and wrong is imperturbable, and he (for the most part) understands the parent-child relationship very well. When his mother or I ask him to do something, it gets done with a minimum of "ah mom's." I'm not sure he'd be that way if he'd gone to public schools from the beginning.

Some folks may think that in sending him to church school he got indoctrinated. Well, he did; but he would also have been so in public schools. The difference being in what he would have been indoctrinated in. In church schools, he got right and wrong, self discipline and personal responsibility, in a public school he would have gotten moral ambiguity, virtually no discipline and the doctrine of victimhood. He is a little ostrasized by some in the public school because he's different, but he seems to revel in it.

He has no interest in college. This is bad for him, but good for me, in that I don't have to pay for it. I'm trying to convince him to join the Navy upon graduation, for a number of reasons; foremost of which is that I have no doubt that there is going to be a reinstatement of a draft in this country. On a ship at sea, he will be far safer than chasing terrorists around Bahgdad. He can also see a bit of the world, learn a skill or two, and even earn some money for education, should he decide at some point that more of that is a good idea. He has other plans, though. He framed houses last summer for a builder who is the father of one of his friends, and seems to enjoy that a lot. He's also interested in becoming a fireman. Between those two things he can probably make a pretty decent living just about anywhere in the country. I just hope and pray that that bastard Uncle Sam doesn't snag him; he's our only child.

2005-11-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

Blog - what does it mean, really?

I dunno.

Seems to be just a personnal webpage with no commercial purpose wherein one can prattle on about the events or lack thereof in one's life.

Or, perhaps it's a place where some talented soul can display their fruits.

Maybe it's a vent, a cathartic or a therapuetic exercise.....

A lot of folks I know seem to have them, and one in particular actually got me to read theirs. I would have read it a lot sooner if I'd known it was there.

But here it is, Thanksgiving Day 2005. We've done the feast and get together - I'm quite miserable in the aftereffects of my gluttony. Now I have three whole days of weekend - this is a very good thing. I've been working six days a week for most of the year and so it's been a while since I've had even the "normal" two day weekend. So, thanks to my friend, I shall use some of this time to start one of these blog things.

Don't know how dedicated I'll be; right now a blog is pretty far down my list of things to do; so, we shall see.....