Saturday, January 13, 2007

the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.

10 Comments:

Blogger bhd said...

Hey! Hey! *slap*

Wake up!

Hitch up your shorts and get back into the flow. Disappointment sucks ass, but it happens.

Steady. Steady.

There will be lots of next times. Your life isn't over. Don't hang onto these feelings.

You're not a teenager anymore. You have more emotional resources than this. C'mon Dave! Let those self-destructive and self-flagellating feelings go. Let them go.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Cathy said...

I'm sorry this happened to you, Slabby...yeah, it sucks big time and you're hurting, but it WILL pass...promise!

(Exit2Eden)

1:53 PM  
Blogger rebecca said...

man, i think we're twins. i know exactly your feelings here, every one of them.

people ARE inconsiderate. dating does suck. but, you will find (yeah, this isn't much encouragement or too fun to hear) that you will learn lots about yourself.

not the least of which is that you don't have to settle.

life takes time.

someone wise once told me that when you learn to love yourself, that is when the love is returned to you - or that you feel you can love someone else, again. as well, the more positive feelings/thinking you put out into the universe, the more that comes back to you.

(i swear, you'd never know i'm not a crunchy liberal, i really am a republican. LOL)

i identify very much with this blog post of yours. and it is good that you're writing about it.

she may have no excuse. this sucks, but this just means she wasn't worthy of you, or the right person to be involved with right now.

if you want to talk anytime, just IM me. even for a distraction.

xoxo to you.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous anica said...

People can be inconsiderate, but that is the way people are. Some of them anyways.

My advice to you is that you need to really learn about yourself and practice some patience while doing so. You learn alot about you and then you will know what you want and what kind of relationship you want.

You just came out a divorce and now is your chance to learn to be yourself again. After that: the law of attraction (rent "the secret").

It take real patience to find true love. Dont' worry be happy.

2:55 PM  
Blogger winter said...

Slow down, man. You don't even know what happened, not really. She stood you up - doesn't mean a thing beyond that. After all, if she gave you her actual cell number and not a fake, then there's at least some interest.

Maybe something came up. And yeah, she should've called. But let's not get crazy over it yet...

10:11 PM  
Blogger newwavegurly said...

Take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Now relax.

Being out here in the dating world in this day and age is not an easy thing, my friend. Just know that you're going to periodically have things like this happen (whatever the reason is). It's not the end of the world. It hurts for a minute or two, and then it subsides.

Really.

:hug:

9:10 PM  
Blogger ResearchGuy┬« said...

No room from drama queens, my friend. You have to first realize that you CAN be alone and be just fine, and that you don't need to be with anyone to validate your fellings of worthiness. Sure it helps beat the lonley feeling away. But let me tell you from experience - things happen when they are supposed to. Just lose the stress factor, and try to hang it losely.

4:37 PM  
Blogger melanie said...

well, i can think of at least a few people that are as honest as you, me being one.

sorry about your run in with the other kind. You deserve better dave.

Remember that. She is the one missing out. :wink:

(((hug)))

6:40 PM  
Blogger Joni said...

(((hug)))

Peter makes some good points Dave. Actually, there are a lot of good thoughts posted here.

Still, I'm sorry this happened.

(ankhara)

11:06 AM  
Blogger laprincessa said...

Why is it folks who've been in longterm relationships always seem to want to throw themselves back into dating so quickly?

Being with someone isn't a necessity.

Kick back, man. Learn to be comfortable with yourself. Enjoy time with yourself.

You'll appreciate you AND another someone much more if you do - trust me on this.

:hug:

3:09 PM  

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