Sunday, January 07, 2007

What to do? What to do?

Friday night made me very aware of a problem I have, a weakness. I imagined that dating would be a big part of my life now that I can again. I expected that there would be a number of different women and that things would be casual and fun - no big commitment; not for a while, anyway.

So far, I have asked two ladies to dinner; both of whom said thanks, but no thanks - they were already "in a relationship." I guess that's the phrase these days. Not a problem, I suppose one should expect to run into that. I've now met a third, this past Friday. Honestly, we know almost nothing about one another - we've conversed for a whole hour or so. In that hour, though, I probably learned more about myself than I did about her.

What I learned was that I'm apparently not too terribly interested in seeing a lot of different women. What I am interested in is finding one in particular. As we talked, I felt myself just going, imagining, hoping, hanging on every word she spoke. She never stopped looking me in the eye, she touched my arm frequently to make points in conversation. Basically, she made me feel as if she were genuinely interested and pleased that we had met. And my heart just leaped at the hope.

I know, I know - you just met! I'm coming out of a marriage in which I have been lonely for years. The rational side of me looks at that and says "chill!" and that makes perfect sense. The emotional side of me has just been handed an enormous thrill. Who's to say what may - or may not - happen? Would I have felt all this with anyone who spent a little time with me right now?

She asked me to call her, so I did. I asked if we could see each other, and she asked if we could wait until next weekend. I didn't hear any change in her tone, as if she were having second thoughts, just that she had already pretty much planned her weekend, and I wasn't in it. I can live with that. She said to call this week and we'll get together next weekend. My imagination has had a bit of fun bashing me with negative perspectives, but I'm trying not to let it get the best of me. At this point, all I really have to go on is what she tells me - I have to take it at face value.

Tell me I'm getting way to focused way too fast. Tell me I'm just a bit too anxious and that I'll settle down soon. Tell me I'm just flipping out a bit at having a conversation with another woman for the first time in decades. Tell me something!


Anonymous Alison said...

You're gonna be okay.

7:50 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

What Ali said.

And have fun. Remember, it's supposed to be fun. Enjoy your life, Dave. Live it as deeply and joyfully as you can.

Yesterday I would have said to bide your time, walk carefully. Well, fuck that. I remember. Drive real fast and take lots of chances. Wring all the love and beauty out of your heart that you can. Headlong! Because this is The Show, and not a dress rehearsal.

You'll find your way just fine.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tuesday evening will be here soon enough...and then the weekend...and then more "hair flipping"...and then...???? :-)


12:28 PM  
Blogger winter said...

Stay cool, man. Have fun, enjoy each other's company, and stay in that elusive moment.

Let this be what it is.

And good luck!

12:49 PM  
Blogger rebecca said...

yep. i'm with cathy.

take things at face value - but, take chances.
you deserve all the things that you want from life. it is time to make that happen.

sure, you're focused. YOU'RE INTERESTED! (and i bet that feels good.) what the hell, though? worked for me. ;)

2:04 PM  

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