an end...

I think this blog has outlived it's usefulness. It's title is from a time in my life that has passed. I am no longer in need of affecting a personality to hide my true self. I have faced my demons and am no longer afraid.

I have done what had to be done and I am moving on with my life....unafraid, secure in myself and, for the first time since childhood, truly happy.

Don't know if I'll start a new one, never really paid that much attention to this one. Don't think I'm much of a blogger. To those of you who supported me, listened, put up with me....to those of you who are my friends, thank you.

so...Auf Wiedersehen

coolness...

Last weekend I took a trip. I went to a city I had never before visited, to meet someone I had never seen. In retrospect, it may well have been the most wonderful weekend of my life.

Some time back, The Universe brought two people together via the internets. These two people had been many of the same places in their lives. Both had been married for many years, both had been on spiritual journeys that changed their lives. Both had been hurt deeply and wondered if they could (or would) ever again experience what they had lost.

Before long, it was obvious to both of us that fate had, indeed taken a hand. I was invited to come visit. On the flight up, my heart was in my throat. As I walked down the hall to her place, my hands were shaking. She was every bit as exited to see me. We went for breakfast and then a walk in her favorite woods. She showed me some things in this forest that were dear to her, and told me why.

We spent the weekend getting to know one another the way lovers do. By the time I left, it was plain that I would be returning - as soon as possible. We are in love. We love, want and need each other in ways we both had dreamed of for years. We are completely comfortable with one another; we trust one another fully.

The geography issue will work itself out; it has to. Don't know when or how, but it will. All I can be right now is grateful and happy.

at last

in a place so serene i heard the news
at a time so unexpected i felt the change
a shattering of structures long in place
a release of dread and embrace of hope
recognition and resignation
poured out and filled
rest now in arms of gratitude
take and receive all that is offered
without expectation, without reservation
breathe in joy and tremble in knowing
myth made reality and pain made peace
it is
it is

Newness

Via a trusted friend, I have met someone. Someone with whom I seem to be spending virtually all of my spare time. Someone who makes me smile - a lot. Someone who smiles a lot when she's conversing with me; and laughs and shares and actually enjoys my company.

Though this relationship hardly qualifies as "internet dating," the internets are, so far, our primary means of communication. This has it's good points and bad. It's good in that we can learn a lot about each other from a "safe" distance. Bad in that, at this point, we've learned enough to actually want to meet in "meatspace." She has invited me to visit, but there is some geography involved and it will be some weeks before this happens.

Her sincerity is refreshing, her interest in me genuine. This is new; and nice. I've had a couple of less than enjoyable experiences with insincerity, indifference and outright dishonesty of late, so this "relationship" is so far most welcome and appreciated. Now I just have to scrounge airfare.

*RANT WARNING*

There is just WAY too much tolerance of misogyny in our society.

I'm sick of it.

I've ranted about this before here, and I may do it again. In fact, I may make it my mission in life to eliminate usage of several words in reference to human females. I'm sick of it. Did I mention I was sick of it?

There is no excuse for it. I'm not gonna say "I'm sorry" for complaining about this - I'M NOT. I'm sick of it. It's NOT funny, it's NOT endearing it's NOT acceptable behavior. Yes, I am being intolerant! Intolerant of disrespect and insult, you betcha.

Civilized society requires some decorum, some standards of behavior. Widespread acceptance of misogynistic language, in my not at all humble opinion, does not represent any sort of decorum or standard that can be characterized as civilized. It's disgusting, demeaning and hurtful. Acceptance of it is so bad that even women participate in it. Sad, just truly sad.

I've come a long way in terms of tolerance in the past few years. I accept a lot of people and behaviors and I once found unacceptable; and I think I'm a better person for it. There are some things, however, that I will never accept - and this is one of them. I will never accept disrespect toward those who are, by far, the better part of the human species. It's wrong. PERIOD.

end of rant.

pub"life"

semi-darkness wrapped in smoke and drawing like a vacuum the young and the willing, the bored and the curious.

lee harvey smoozes with little bo peep and orders drinks from keith richards/bd.

smoke is the air they breathe as more talent than they can perceive pours passionate precision forth into the conversation as they assign priorities to their senses.

do they wonder beyond the night's tawdry "conquest" to what such callous adolescent indifference equates in terms of human coherence?

petty attempts at flattery fall on willingly ignorant ears and illicit sometimes charmingly effective smiles, cliched routine an adventure to the first time fool.

the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.