the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.