commencement

dream in careless moment ended
pyre whose burning never ceased
all an illusion

a life that was but ended unforgiven
a burden carried for no cause
past a scar without healing

a breaking

an ending

a seeing

a pause and sighing relief

a weakness renewing

...saturday evening

I have to get out . I have to move in this world or I'm going to die. I have to live my life. I see so much done by so many and here I sit; I can't do this anymore.

Don't know where the money's gonna come from. Sometimes that seems like the most disgusting aspect of our society - everything costs money. I hate money - I hate that I have to think about it. Why wasn't I born independently wealthy? Oh well, one thing at a time.

I think anyone who reads this blog is aware by now that I have not been happy in my marriage for quite sometime. I got into it for all the wrong reasons, and the last few years have destroyed whatever pretense remained. I hope we can begin our lives apart by the end of the year. The house goes on the block this month, as soon as it sells, we're done. This is not a decision I have made lightly; it goes against everything I was raised to believe. It goes against my own experience with the divorce of the parents of someone I knew long ago - an event that affected both of us profoundly. But I can't stay here anymore, I just can't. There is nothing here - we are roommates, nothing more. I do not hate my wife, I wish her no pain; but we are not in love. I hate that our son has to go through this, but I cannot live my life for him; he has his own. I hope someday he understands that.

I had love in my life once; centuries ago. The kind of love that consumes and breathes and fills every part of your existance. I hope I can find that again, I hope. I know it isn't here, never was.

in the moment

soaring through tenderness on carpet of dreams hoping only to continue

without net swirling high over sawdust of what was then and is going

no choice but to live in the moment or die on the post of what might have

morning thoughts again

i am deliriously happy this morning.

that is all.

morning thoughts

it's wednesday, hump day. i've risen, had breakfast, (eggs & sausage prepared by my son) showered, shaved; all that stuff. now i've got a few minutes of peace and quiet before i head for the office. fox news is on - not because i subscribe to their spin on things, but because the lovely e.d. hill is very easy to look at - hey, i'm a guy; sue me.

in a few minutes i'll begin my fifteen mile commute through the lunatic traffic and hope i survive one more trip. when i reach the office i'll get coffee, log on to the computers and start to work. it pays the rent, i suppose. my rut is dark and deep.

at the end of the day, i'll brave the traffic again, change clothes and head for the gym. this part of my day i enjoy a bit. i've been going now for about five weeks after not having visited a gym in well over twenty years and it is, in fact, doing some good. i've cut out a lot of the processed crap i was previously consuming, quit smoking and am generally feeling about one hundred percent better, physically.

i'm even feeling a bit better spiritually. i've decided to make some changes in my life and it seems that simply taking the decision is, in itself, a very positive force. i have some goals again, and am moving toward them - this is more than I've had in a long time. i'll let you know how things turn out.

Somebody said....

That I don't blog enough.

Well!

How effen presumptuous of them!

Are you people laboring under the illusion that I do this for you? Do you honestly suspect that I have an altruistic bone in my body? Puleese! Now that I've cleared that up for you, here's today's gratuitous post...

Ever wonder about the other people in the world? I mean all those gazillions of people out there whom you'll never know anything about, let alone meet or share a latte' with. My little mind gets boggled when I think about six BILLION people - holy shit! All those people have lives, hopes, dreams, tragedies and relationships. They drink, smoke, eat, have bowel movements and occasionally puke their shoeheels up. They read, write consume, produce and waste, they burn and laugh and cry and wear hats and too much eyeliner. They play games, fall off ladders and smash their thumbs with hammers and curse and disgust each other. They pretty much do everything I do; well, maybe not the bit about eyeliner.

So many lives and each of us trying to retain some individuality, some oneness that means we are different from everyone else. How much of that is possible now? I dunno. As we muddle through our lives and experience what seems total to us in our short, narrow focus, we don't realize - in the moment, anyway - that there are probably a few million other people going through the very same thing at that very moment. Should we think of our individual experience as any less important because of this? Does the size of humanity somehow lessen the lives of each of us? Am I talking in circles?