the freeway is quiet, its usual soft rumble squelched by the arrival of 2 inches of sleet. the only sound is that of the fountain in the pond outside and the occasional passing of a car in the parking lot. i'm awake too early for a saturday, lying here thinking about things i probably shouldn't. thinking about the girl i thought i had a date with last night, who never called as she said she would. the weather did turn horrible yesterday and i fully expected that the date would be put off because of it; but she could have called, just a bit of consideration, you know? maybe she was involved in an accident, i don't know. so, should i be miffed at being jilted, or worried that she may be hurt? so, i call her; no answer on her cell. i leave a message: "hope you got home okay, give me call sometime, bye." my hopes were too high, if i'm hurt, it's nobody's fault but my own. what will i do today....i'll stay home and watch tv and eat. i'll dwell on how lonely i am and what a fool i feel like. i'll do the same tomorrow and the next day. on tuesday, i'll return to work and fill eight hours with work and maybe forget things for part of that. wallowing in self-pity comes easily for me, I used to do so much of it. why can't people be honest? why? if she wasn't interested, why didn't she just say so? why string me along for a week and then shit on me? is that fun somehow? is that easier than simply saying: "thanks, but no thanks?" i don't understand at all. well, maybe i do, but just don't want to. i have learned that few people are as honest as myself; that's not my own horn being blown, it's just an observation. people seem to think that deception is somehow the proper way to deal with that which might be something less that pleasant, as if lying about it makes it more palatable. that part i really don't get. would i feel like i do at this moment if she had simply told me up front that she wasn't interested? no. instead, she asks me to call her, that she wants to go out for dinner; all with a smile. three times she says we'll go out, and now this. some people even find deception entertaining; a sick, hurtful little game. i really would like to believe that i haven't been dumped. that somehow the weather is to blame, maybe her phone crapped out, maybe she's just busy and forgetful and, and....it's my fault for wearing my heart on my sleeve. i make myself way to vulnerable; i've done this before and evidently didn't learn a thing. i feel pretty low right now, but not as bad as i have in the past, difficult to understand the difference. a year ago i would have been suicidal about this. i do feel better about me than i have, but that doesn't make the loneliness go away, it only moderates it. it's muted, dull; but still present. if someone would but give me the chance to spend some time with them, just some time; is that too much to ask? all i want is to be in love. is that too much to ask? is it such a burden or an imposition to let one's self be adored and loved and respected and wanted and needed and lived for? are there so few people who want that? i need only one; where is she? gawd, what a pity party. it's eight o'clock now; maybe i'll have some scotch for breakfast to put the icing on the cake.

What to do? What to do?

Friday night made me very aware of a problem I have, a weakness. I imagined that dating would be a big part of my life now that I can again. I expected that there would be a number of different women and that things would be casual and fun - no big commitment; not for a while, anyway.

So far, I have asked two ladies to dinner; both of whom said thanks, but no thanks - they were already "in a relationship." I guess that's the phrase these days. Not a problem, I suppose one should expect to run into that. I've now met a third, this past Friday. Honestly, we know almost nothing about one another - we've conversed for a whole hour or so. In that hour, though, I probably learned more about myself than I did about her.

What I learned was that I'm apparently not too terribly interested in seeing a lot of different women. What I am interested in is finding one in particular. As we talked, I felt myself just going, imagining, hoping, hanging on every word she spoke. She never stopped looking me in the eye, she touched my arm frequently to make points in conversation. Basically, she made me feel as if she were genuinely interested and pleased that we had met. And my heart just leaped at the hope.

I know, I know - you just met! I'm coming out of a marriage in which I have been lonely for years. The rational side of me looks at that and says "chill!" and that makes perfect sense. The emotional side of me has just been handed an enormous thrill. Who's to say what may - or may not - happen? Would I have felt all this with anyone who spent a little time with me right now?

She asked me to call her, so I did. I asked if we could see each other, and she asked if we could wait until next weekend. I didn't hear any change in her tone, as if she were having second thoughts, just that she had already pretty much planned her weekend, and I wasn't in it. I can live with that. She said to call this week and we'll get together next weekend. My imagination has had a bit of fun bashing me with negative perspectives, but I'm trying not to let it get the best of me. At this point, all I really have to go on is what she tells me - I have to take it at face value.

Tell me I'm getting way to focused way too fast. Tell me I'm just a bit too anxious and that I'll settle down soon. Tell me I'm just flipping out a bit at having a conversation with another woman for the first time in decades. Tell me something!

Holy Moly!

Went out for a bite to eat last night. I supped at a place my son introduced me to sometime ago; Buffalo Wildwings. It's a sports bar sort of place that serves up some pretty decent wings in a generally boisterous atmosphere liberally equiped with big-screen TV's blaring various team sports events. Now, yours truly is not a fan of team sports, but this establishment offered something that, at the time, was a distinct advantage over most other eateries in the area - a smoking room. State law here requires a seperate room with its own ventilation system, and the bar at this place is in such a room. There are also a number of tables for dining and free WIFI. I haven't had a cigarette in five days now and plan on keeping it that way, so that particular attraction no longer exists for me - but the wings are still tasty.

So, off I go. I'm enjoying my dinner and notice someone over at the bar. A young lady, animated, attractive, in the company of a couple of female friends. What the hell....I get the attention of a barkeep and give him a little cash with which to buy her one of whatever she's having. He does, then points me out to her. She looks, smiles and invites me over. Wow. We talk, we laugh, we connect a little. After being off the market for so long, it felt pretty awesome, folks. She didn't seem to mind that my divorce is in process - something I felt I should be very upfront about; and she appreciated me being so. Nor did it seem to bother her that I'm quite a bit older than she.

She wants me to call her.

An age. Maybe two.

That's how long it's been since I've felt this good.

The divorce is now in the hands of lawyers. The plan (I thought) had been for what is known in this state as an "uncontested" divorce. Husband and wife agree upon who gets what and hire a single lawyer to file the required paperwork; cheap, simple. Unfortunately, S seems to have let someone convince her that she needed her own lawyer. Once she hired one, I had to.

All this means is that the end result will be the same, but will take a bit longer to arrive at and will cost a whole lot more than it should have. Oh well; bump in the road, nothing more. I cannot be bothered, really.

I can't be bothered because with each passing day I am more and more certain that this was the right thing to do. When I rise in the morning, I am happy; glad and grateful for another day, truly. I have not felt this way in many years.

I didn't get married to get divorced; but right now I know it was the right thing to do. I'm not who I was twenty five years ago. I've grown and learned and become someone I could never have imagined back then. I could regret the mistakes I've made (I have done that) or I can choose to learn from them and go on with my life; made better by the experience. I choose to look forward, not back. My past is a story now, no longer my life.