Sometimes...
I feel as if I can't take it any more.
Some of the folks who read this blog know that, several years ago, I spent several years under the care of a psychiatrist, on medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I've always been a meloncholy (I think it's genetic) but for a time, it became more than I could bear. I missed so much work that I nearly lost my job, because I was, quite frankly, afraid to leave my house.
The shrink prescribed a very heavy dose of an anti-depressant and Zanex for the accompanying anxiety. Anti-depressants take several months to become effective, but between the drugs and the (in the beginning) twice weekly therapy sessions things began to moderate. The therapy sessions became less frequent as we talked out the episode in my past that I had suppressed for far to long.
Trouble was, the drug made me an emotional zombie. This was a good thing at first, because I was a real basket case. After a while, though, one needs to feel something; even if it's only pain. I couldn't get excited about anything, nor did I get upset about anything; I went for almost three years without shedding a single tear. Not only that, it killed my creativity - I couldn't write. So, I asked the doctor to let me come off the med. He advised against it, but let me. After coming off it the first time, after a period of months, I had to go back on it. The second attempt has lasted over three years now.
In the past several months, I've experienced several increasingly severe anxiety attacks. When they happen, I feel as if my sanity is hanging by a thread, a very thin one. I do not want to go back on the medication; really. I'm contemplating some Saint John's Wort. Maybe that can regulate the chemicals in my brain enough to control my mood, but not make me numb, I don't know. I've thought of going back to the shrink and seeing if maybe we could just treat it with the Zanex and not the other stuff; the fact that I'm considering that, to me, is a measure of how bad things have gotten. I understand now what brought on that horrible state I was in, and I really am beyond the primary cause; but I also know that the meloncholy that is part of my wiring is still there. I'd like to think I can deal with it without that soul-killing anti-depressant.
I don't know why this rates a blog entry. Maybe I hope someone out there has had a similar experience and found some alternative means of handling it. Maybe I just need to tell someone.
I feel as if I can't take it any more.
Some of the folks who read this blog know that, several years ago, I spent several years under the care of a psychiatrist, on medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I've always been a meloncholy (I think it's genetic) but for a time, it became more than I could bear. I missed so much work that I nearly lost my job, because I was, quite frankly, afraid to leave my house.
The shrink prescribed a very heavy dose of an anti-depressant and Zanex for the accompanying anxiety. Anti-depressants take several months to become effective, but between the drugs and the (in the beginning) twice weekly therapy sessions things began to moderate. The therapy sessions became less frequent as we talked out the episode in my past that I had suppressed for far to long.
Trouble was, the drug made me an emotional zombie. This was a good thing at first, because I was a real basket case. After a while, though, one needs to feel something; even if it's only pain. I couldn't get excited about anything, nor did I get upset about anything; I went for almost three years without shedding a single tear. Not only that, it killed my creativity - I couldn't write. So, I asked the doctor to let me come off the med. He advised against it, but let me. After coming off it the first time, after a period of months, I had to go back on it. The second attempt has lasted over three years now.
In the past several months, I've experienced several increasingly severe anxiety attacks. When they happen, I feel as if my sanity is hanging by a thread, a very thin one. I do not want to go back on the medication; really. I'm contemplating some Saint John's Wort. Maybe that can regulate the chemicals in my brain enough to control my mood, but not make me numb, I don't know. I've thought of going back to the shrink and seeing if maybe we could just treat it with the Zanex and not the other stuff; the fact that I'm considering that, to me, is a measure of how bad things have gotten. I understand now what brought on that horrible state I was in, and I really am beyond the primary cause; but I also know that the meloncholy that is part of my wiring is still there. I'd like to think I can deal with it without that soul-killing anti-depressant.
I don't know why this rates a blog entry. Maybe I hope someone out there has had a similar experience and found some alternative means of handling it. Maybe I just need to tell someone.
posted by David at 4:51 PM
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