Sometimes...
I feel as if I can't take it any more.
Some of the folks who read this blog know that, several years ago, I spent several years under the care of a psychiatrist, on medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I've always been a meloncholy (I think it's genetic) but for a time, it became more than I could bear. I missed so much work that I nearly lost my job, because I was, quite frankly, afraid to leave my house.
The shrink prescribed a very heavy dose of an anti-depressant and Zanex for the accompanying anxiety. Anti-depressants take several months to become effective, but between the drugs and the (in the beginning) twice weekly therapy sessions things began to moderate. The therapy sessions became less frequent as we talked out the episode in my past that I had suppressed for far to long.
Trouble was, the drug made me an emotional zombie. This was a good thing at first, because I was a real basket case. After a while, though, one needs to feel something; even if it's only pain. I couldn't get excited about anything, nor did I get upset about anything; I went for almost three years without shedding a single tear. Not only that, it killed my creativity - I couldn't write. So, I asked the doctor to let me come off the med. He advised against it, but let me. After coming off it the first time, after a period of months, I had to go back on it. The second attempt has lasted over three years now.
In the past several months, I've experienced several increasingly severe anxiety attacks. When they happen, I feel as if my sanity is hanging by a thread, a very thin one. I do not want to go back on the medication; really. I'm contemplating some Saint John's Wort. Maybe that can regulate the chemicals in my brain enough to control my mood, but not make me numb, I don't know. I've thought of going back to the shrink and seeing if maybe we could just treat it with the Zanex and not the other stuff; the fact that I'm considering that, to me, is a measure of how bad things have gotten. I understand now what brought on that horrible state I was in, and I really am beyond the primary cause; but I also know that the meloncholy that is part of my wiring is still there. I'd like to think I can deal with it without that soul-killing anti-depressant.
I don't know why this rates a blog entry. Maybe I hope someone out there has had a similar experience and found some alternative means of handling it. Maybe I just need to tell someone.
I feel as if I can't take it any more.
Some of the folks who read this blog know that, several years ago, I spent several years under the care of a psychiatrist, on medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression. I've always been a meloncholy (I think it's genetic) but for a time, it became more than I could bear. I missed so much work that I nearly lost my job, because I was, quite frankly, afraid to leave my house.
The shrink prescribed a very heavy dose of an anti-depressant and Zanex for the accompanying anxiety. Anti-depressants take several months to become effective, but between the drugs and the (in the beginning) twice weekly therapy sessions things began to moderate. The therapy sessions became less frequent as we talked out the episode in my past that I had suppressed for far to long.
Trouble was, the drug made me an emotional zombie. This was a good thing at first, because I was a real basket case. After a while, though, one needs to feel something; even if it's only pain. I couldn't get excited about anything, nor did I get upset about anything; I went for almost three years without shedding a single tear. Not only that, it killed my creativity - I couldn't write. So, I asked the doctor to let me come off the med. He advised against it, but let me. After coming off it the first time, after a period of months, I had to go back on it. The second attempt has lasted over three years now.
In the past several months, I've experienced several increasingly severe anxiety attacks. When they happen, I feel as if my sanity is hanging by a thread, a very thin one. I do not want to go back on the medication; really. I'm contemplating some Saint John's Wort. Maybe that can regulate the chemicals in my brain enough to control my mood, but not make me numb, I don't know. I've thought of going back to the shrink and seeing if maybe we could just treat it with the Zanex and not the other stuff; the fact that I'm considering that, to me, is a measure of how bad things have gotten. I understand now what brought on that horrible state I was in, and I really am beyond the primary cause; but I also know that the meloncholy that is part of my wiring is still there. I'd like to think I can deal with it without that soul-killing anti-depressant.
I don't know why this rates a blog entry. Maybe I hope someone out there has had a similar experience and found some alternative means of handling it. Maybe I just need to tell someone.
posted by David at 4:51 PM
11 Comments:
Maybe you could keep trying different anti-depressants until you find the one that doesn't cause the extreme mood-flattening.
But maybe you should get to the root of the stress that's in your life, and work on better ways to undo its effects. Awareness of, and therapeutic interventions for stress have helped me tremendously, though I have my handy stash of xanax within reach at all times.
Anyway, it couldn't hurt. Be well.
There are so many drugs to choose from, if you have a problem with getting the shrink to get with it and get inventive, then perhaps you should contact a local mental health advocate group. You'd be surprised how much of a fire they can light under these limp-brained idjits.
Don't give up...
I am sending you a link to a homeopathic site. I use their ADD supplement.
I have suffered with depression before myself. thankfully it was never that bad. But i am a stubborn old mule. And have taken prescription meds, that did nothing other than make me a zombie. like you said. even after i found the one that finally did a little something. I no longer take prescription meds for depression.
good luck with the prescriptions if that is the route you choose to take. If not, try these good folks. I always find that supplements taken the right way, are more effective for me.
;-)
Sweet Dave, I'm with Cathy about getting to the root of the current depression. We've talked about that before on the phone.
And I'm a big fan of natural things like St. John's Wort...but I hear you have to have a large and steady dose for it to work.
Sounds like you already know what you need--so I support you in your self-awareness.
dave, sometimes just unloading things is a great help. as you know when my world fell apart, it was the most difficult event in my life. it took me two years to get through it, mostly while looking down the neck of a bottle. eventually found out that wasn't the answer. i began sharing with a mutual friend of ours. he was a great help in just listening. he never offered advice unless i asked, he simply listened. a friend that will listen is a great treasure.
I know why this made your blog.
With severe depression comes isolation. You are taking steps not to isolate yourself. You are calling on your friends for support.
You have so much support, Dave. Whatever it is, you need to get to the root of it. And if you need medication, you need to face that too. It's not permanent. Nothing is except your decision to face your depression.
If there is anything I can do, you know I'll do it in a heartbeat.
i wish I had a solution.just know that you are well liked (loved) in the big picture.hang in there buddy.
Keep the faith Dave! We are with you brother.
I am there for you if you need me.
When I first became friends with someone, I remember him asking me what meds I was on. I responded by telling him that I wasn't on any. He was absolutely shocked by that.
More and more people I've met in this life have had to (or continue to) make use of "better living through science" and take some sort of anti-anxiety or anti-depressant drug. I echo the sentiment of others here when they say that in this day and age, there is such a wide variety of medications available in this arena, that perhaps it's a matter of finding the right one for YOU.
And sharing this with us means that we can be there for you in a means that will support you through this struggle. And we will.
Take care of YOU.
Whatever and however that means.
Take VERY good care. You are precious to many people.
*tight hug*
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